Out of all the hand-made, crafty, boot-strappy, DIY, money-saving, earth-preserving, allergy-friendly, from-scratch, pickling, green, buying in bulk, vinegar, just-put-some tea tree-oil-on-it, grown in the back yard, baking soda, health food store (don’t forget your jars and bags!), sourdough starter, cod liver oil, coconut oil, make your own laundry detergent, menstrual cup, preserving, chicken-raising, bread-baking, bean-soaking, Dr. Bronnersing, cloth diaper, kombucha mushroom growing, homemade baby food pureeing, dye-free candy cane ordering, cooperative buying club and reusable toilet paper fiasco adventures of my late 20s and early 30s, the thing that stuck for me is making play dough.
I know.
It was A LOT.
So is it any wonder that one by one, most of those things fell away?
And that, for a long time, I forgot about the legit joy that is mixing up a batch of hot squishy dough, carefully dyed in a seasonal/holiday hue and scented with essential oils?
Again?
You see, I’ve been tired.
Like tired in a way that sleep doesn’t fix. Tired in a way that feels like Groundhog Day, where I wake up, and make my tea, and feel deja vu, and wonder - how am I going to do this again?
That might sound like depression, but I’m not depressed* (not currently, anyway.)
I just haven’t figured out what life needs to look like for me right now.
Just Keep Stirring
I have ideas. I have so many ideas, you guys.
My brain is full of exploding light bulbs. I am lit up (that’s part of how I know this is not depression).
I am just struggling to implement.
But not with the play dough making. No - I am a master of that.
I know just what to do, and I know it will work every single time. It’s like risotto - you just keep stirring.
Preschool
I think the past two years have been so much about learning new things and figuring out whatever I can, that the ease and familiarity of making play dough feels like a rest - the kind of rest I’ve been desperately craving.
I want to talk about rest, but first, I want to tell you that I started making play dough again a few months ago for my niece and nephews, and for friends with preschoolers, because, well …
For about a week this fall, I became entirely convinced that I wanted to become a preschool teacher.
This isn’t a new dream. It’s something I have thought about for decades.
So I made a batch of pumpkin pie play dough, using an old recipe that despite being in a plastic cover, has gotten a little beat up during the past 17 years.
It was so satisfying and joyful!
And so I dug in a bit about this whole becoming a preschool teacher thing, and I wrote in my journal and I asked people I knew some questions, and then I realized …
Oh shit.
I don’t want to teach preschool right now.
I want to go to preschool.
I am not in a place to care for twenty 4-year-olds, because I am basically a 46-year-old preschooler myself.
Please see this chart for reference:
What I am craving more than anything lately is someone to take care of me; bring me little snacks, tell me what to wear, remind me when it is nap time, and choose all my books for me so they are not too scary or sad.
Rest
I reiterate, this is not depression.*
It’s different.
It’s rawness and exhaustion.
It’s the absence most days of wholeheartedness.
It’s my old homesteader mentality, that I have to do - I can’t just be.
That I have to work hard and EARN rest.
What I am grappling with lately is having time - whole days to fill up sometimes, and yet, filling that time mostly with work.
And then I “rest” by watching television in bed. The same shows over and over.
I’ve wondered why that isn’t enough. Why I don’t really feel recovered when I wake up in the morning. Why I lose steam by 1 p.m., and want to lie down again.
Hard Work
And so I’ve quietly decided that the way to deal with this stage is to worry (in the background, like a fan you don’t actually hear anymore) about some exotic illness that is draining me - maybe dengue fever, while simultaneously, I take advantage of my “good hours” - the early morning hours.
Get up.
Pour tea.
Work until putting words together feels like organ donation.
Pass out with a cat.
Repeat.
The 7 Types of Rest
A while ago, I heard that people were saying there are seven kinds of rest, and I thought, oh good - more shit to learn.
So I ignored the whole thing.
Instead, I watched What We Do In the Shadows, and I slept, and I became frustrated with waking up feeling like a phone that had been plugged in all night, but my battery only charged to 11 percent.
So recently, I decided that maybe I should finally look into the 7 types of rest and see which one I was missing; which one was the antidote to my fatigue and frustration.
And it turns out, it’s basically 6 of them.
The 7 Types of Rest Are:
Physical Rest
Mental Rest
Emotional Rest
Sensory Rest
Creative Rest
Social Rest
Spiritual Rest
The one I have been doing (or trying to do) is physical rest.
Please note that none of these are “keep drinking caffeine until you are shaking so hard that if you poured a shot of gin into your mouth along with a few drops of vermouth and an ice cube, you would be a human martini.”
So Now What?
A frustrating fact of life is that you can’t change everything all at once, or it will be like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters, I think the world collapses into itself or something.
And so you may have a realization - for instance, I need different types of rest, not just watching vampires on my iPad!
BUT.
Then you have to reign yourself in, and decide how to feasibly and strategically sprinkle in whatever new things you are trying to do.
If, like me, you have read a lot of books and listened to podcasts and been in therapy on and off for a decade, you may have heard the advice to “start where you are,” and of course for me, currently, that’s making play dough.
When I look at the notes I made in my journal (above) - I see that making play dough could fit into lots of the rest categories:
It’s mental rest because it doesn’t require a lot of thought, and as I stir or knead the dough, my mind wanders.
It’s also sensory rest - there are no screens or loud noises and I like to add essential oils to my play dough, and so it’s very calming, not to mention the kneading again - getting my hands into the warm dough … the repetitive motion of squish, fold, turn, squish, fold, turn.
Finally, I like to make themed play dough kits, and so that brings an opportunity for creative rest.
That’s a REST hat trick.
Another Way
Of course, we are all different.
I heard someone say that for her cooking is rest, and I took off running like Forrest Gump.
Cooking for me is, at best, a means to an end right now.
I think those old homesteader/DIY days wore me out - made me feel thin and brittle.
I know now that I was doing some of those things for a good reasons (we were on a tight budget and I like having a planet) and some for not as good reasons (mostly a desire to be like others, or because others judged me harshly if I didn’t.)
But as KC Davis says, you can’t save the rain forest if you are depressed.
In fact, if things feel hard for you right now - if you see other people doing things and then judge yourself, beat yourself up, or ask yourself why you can’t do more or why you don’t have the capacity you have had in the past, I think KC’s book might change your life.
It changed mine.
It made me realize that so many of us are struggling, and STILL pushing ourselves.
And it made me realize there is another way.
For me, that looks like play dough and slowing down, and finding ways to recharge - new ways.
More soon …
Love, Kara
* I just want to say that I do not feel my current situation is depression. I see a therapist and a doctor and take medication and I have experienced depression in the past. But, if you are experiencing depression or think you might be, please reach out for help or head to the closest emergency room.
Some resources:
SAMHSA’s National Helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (English and Spanish)
NAMI HelpLine (M-F 10 am – 10 pm, ET) - 800-950-6264 or text the word “Helpline" to 62640.
In a crisis (you or a loved one), call or text to reach 988 Lifeline.
I love this so much! I’m only 38, but I feel tired too. The things that used to bring me joy feel stale - podcasts on passion topics, gameschooling and reading aloud, watching my staple shows. I’m a hardcore rewatcher but I feel like I’ve rewatched my favorites to death so they feel like gum that’s been chewed for two days straight. It’s time for new things, but I’m not quite sure where to start finding new things that bring me joy. Anyways, it’s nice to know I’m not alone!
I like having a planet just made me choke on my water :)
I had the Ella song in my head while reading and then you linked it and I felt like I won a Where The Beauty Is badge!