The two worst things people have told me I should do

Wait - That's Not True

My son brought me this for Easter. Inner Child me and Mama Bear me had a little party about it!

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Hi friends,

I hope this missive finds you well.

Things here are good. My adult kiddo came home for the weekend, except wait - both of my kiddos are now adults.

So … My son came home to visit us.

Yes. That’s better.

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Lately, I find myself correcting my words frequently.

Friday, at the vet, they asked how long my cat George’s eye has been funky, and I replied “His whole life.”

Then I paused and backstepped.

“Wait,” I said. “That’s not true. When he was just a few weeks old, they found him in a ditch and his third eyelid was fused to his eye, so the shelter took him to a vet who did surgery, but it didn’t heal properly, so his eye has been like this since we’ve known him.”

George had his ‘senior cat’ well visit last week. He is a very healthy boy, but they had to take his blood and so he had to wear a little bandage for 15 minutes until he got mad at it.

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It’s weird how things crop up in our language. I feel like I’ve been saying, “Wait - that’s not true,” more and more lately, which I guess is a part of unpacking things, maybe?

And so, that brings me to the two worst things people have told me I should do.

I want to say that this was well-meaning advice, just terrible advice FOR ME.

It’s possible and I guess probable that these things work for some people, and perhaps they work better for dudes who operate on 24-hour cycles instead of women, who operate on 28-day cycles. (don’t get me started.)

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Oh shit. Now I’m wound up.

So here’s the thing:

A lot of “productivity” advice is written for men and for a long time it was written primarily by men, and so it works for men.

That’s all I’m going to say for now, except you are probably doing way better than you think.

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So this morning, I sat down to do some techy, mathy stuff on a damn MONDAY MORNING, and you can guess how that went.

Normally, this would send me into a Self-Doubt Tailspin, where I decide the best bet is quitting my business and relocating so I can work at Harry Potter World.

But as I said above, I’m “unpacking” some things right now, including a lot of stuff about self-belief, and so instead of crying or moving to Florida, I asked myself if MONDAY MORNING was the best time to try to do something super challenging and way outside my comfort zone.

And so this is where the first worst thing someone told me to do showed up:

A long time ago, someone told me to “eat a frog” first thing in the morning, which of course is great advice for some go-getters, who eat frogs/do the hardest thing first and then know the rest of the day will get only easier.

I suspect these people have nice, boring nervous systems, that do not confuse frog-eating with being chased by a rhinoceros.

But I have a nervous system that confuses EVERYTHING. It thinks we are under attack frequently, and I am working to heal that.

💌 (More soon! I’m going to do a thing about this!!)

So FOR ME - the worst thing I can do is eat frogs first thing in the morning.

All this does is jazz up my worries - I go all nervous, zero system - my executive functioning tanks, and I just mess up the rest of my day.

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I’ll tell you how I got into the Monday Morning Mathy Mess:

I ignored my inner wisdom, and followed another piece of terrible (for me) advice:

If something is going to take less than 5 minutes, just do it.

Again, this is well-meaning advice, and I’m sure it helps a lot of people every day.

I suspect those people do not have inattentive type ADHD, where the constant struggle is The Give a Mouse a Cookies.

Maybe you remember this series of books by Laura Numeroff - If You Give a Mouse a Cookie; If You Give a Moose a Muffin …

They are about chain reactions/my whole life, especially since Katy Perimenopause showed up to the party.

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I could tell you tales about how doing one thing that will only take five minutes has spun whole days in strange directions, leaving me exhausted and confused and beating myself up, but I bet you know what I mean.

And so instead, I will just say that again, this is a good piece of well-meaning advice, that probably helps a lot of people.

It’s just not good for me.

(And maybe it’s not good for you either?)

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And so this is where that unpacking I mentioned comes in.

Lately, I’ve been doing my best to slow down, and ask what I actually need, and what works for me.

This is inconvenient, and people don’t like it.

A few days ago, a stranger yelled at me in a drive-thru, and my nervous system went Oh shit - she is going to totally murder us.

I started to panic, but made myself slow down, breathe and consider my next step, which made her swear at me in an even more creative fashion.

But once I took a few breaths, I knew what to do.

I bought her food.*

Then I went home, and I did all the things that help my nervous system reset.

Later, I realized that her screaming had not been about me at all. I mean, look at this receipt:

I decided to keep this to remind me of two things: 1. When people act crazy, it’s probably not about me and 2. I have plenty of faults, but at least - even under pressure - I am not an asshole.

A small fry! No one can be happy when they order a small fry!

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And so, my Big Work right now is slowing down and thinking through previously held beliefs and notions.

It’s asking myself again and again - Is this true?

And when it isn’t, it’s about stopping, and rerouting.

It’s not easy, but it is helping tremendously.

And I want to share more soon, so make sure you are following along here.

And, please remember:

1. Not every piece of good advice is for you

2. You are definitely doing much better than you think.

I promise.

Much love,

Kara

P.S. I haven’t been on social media much/at all, but if you need a feel-good story, this one is The Best.

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* I know people might ask why I would buy lunch for someone who yelled at me. The truth is, I’ve thought about this, and I don’t know why I did it. I think part of it was she yelled, “I’m on my break, b*tch!” and I realized that she was probably stressed. Maybe her boss is a jerk?

Being stressed doesn’t make yelling at a stranger OK, but it did make me think how on edge we all are right now, and how cruelties domino.

Then this morning, my friend Jenn sent me this, and I thought of the woman in line screaming at me, and how I don’t want to become that too.

I’m so tired of it being normal to hurt others.

To paraphrase the video, that’s not the energy I want to share, I guess. I’d rather fight fire with French fries. 🍟