I’m trying something new this week!🎙️ Below is an audio version of this post.
(Also the Cleo Wade quote I mention about holding hope’s hand can be found here.)
I had a dream last night that I was moving out of an apartment I lived in years ago.
My friend Sharon was there - in the dream - but she shouldn’t have been. I mean, the real life timing wasn’t like that. I met Sharon after I moved out of that apartment. And we never lived in the same building.
Also, on moving day, Sharon and I had to take a train ride to a writer’s conference.
The train derailed. The science wasn’t right in the dream. Someone opened one of those aft doors like they have on cargo planes, and it changed the pressure suddenly.
At least 25 cars derailed.
Remarkably, everyone was OK, but Sharon and I never made it to the conference. A woman in our writer’s group won an award, though - she came to the crash site to tell us.
Then Sharon and I had to hurry home and move out of our apartments. The whole building we lived in had been sold, and we’d both decided to leave.
Again - this was an apartment I lived in once, but that apartment building had just two units, above a nail salon and an insurance office.
The dream apartment building had several units above an art supply store and bookstore.
Can you imagine?
One more thing - in the aftermath of the train derailment, I was bitten by a furry snake creature.
I ran away from it, dodged it, to keep from being bitten again, as I tried to gather my belongings.
And then I figured out that the snake was just hungry, so I fed it and then decided to adopt it.
My cats were in this dream too. All four of them.
The timeline warps here again, but my cats appear in a lot of my dreams.
During the pandemic, I had a reoccurring nightmare about our family having to flee with our cats and we never had enough cat carriers to transport them all at once.
Finally one day I went online and bought another carrier just to see if the nightmares would abate.
They did not.
But I discovered I didn’t feel quite as worried when I woke up from one of them.
And then eventually, I realized it had been months since I’d had a fleeing-with-my-cats dream.
I still dream about my cats, though - often I am trying to carry all four of them; keep track of them all.
I think they symbolize responsibility and trying to do the right thing.
But there are just so many right things to do.
I’m not sure why I dreamt of that particular old apartment. It was one of many I lived in after I left home.
I never lived in a dorm. I commuted to college, and worked two or three jobs at a time so I could pay for rent and utilities and food.
I chose to commute to school because my grandmother was dying from cancer, and I wanted to be close enough to help, but not so close that I would burden anyone.
My mom had my little sister to care for.
And my father stopped paying child support for me the minute I turned 18. Plus he kept dragging my mom into court over every tiny thing, making sure any money he sent each month went to her lawyer.
He was vengeful. (my father. not the lawyer.)
It was too much. Seeing all she was going through.
So I drew my line.
I didn’t see him for eight years.
I should have never reopened that door - not even a crack.
Because 15 years later, as I stood in my kitchen trying to make dinner for my kids, he tried convincing me that he paid for my college.
I was talking to him on the phone, which was good, because if he would have been there, he would have been able to see my reaction, and it would have been a Thanksgiving feast for his narcissism - so much butter and cream. It would have made him feel full for days.
I was so confused.
He had not paid for my college.
What he was saying was just not true.
He had paid for half of the cost of my books one semester.
I knew this. I remembered at one point working in a hair salon and at an afterschool program for kids and then eventually at a newspaper too.
I was never at the apartment I had to pay for because I was always working or in classes.
I was thrilled to eventually get ONE job that paid $6 an hour and offered more than 30 hours per week.
I was 19, but everyone thought I was older and I didn’t correct them.
I needed the work.
And so all those years later, standing in the kitchen, holding my phone to my ear with my shoulder while I chopped and stirred, I was so baffled that everything came out jumbled and shrieky.
“But I worked so much - why would I have worked so much? Why would I have student loans if you paid for everything?”
I was stumbling.
I was not assertive; I was temporarily questioning my own sanity.
And I was still trying to make dinner.
“I don’t know what you were doing,” he said. “You shouldn’t have loans. You should have had plenty of money. You were probably spending too much.”
I know I wasn’t spending irresponsibly, in my apartment above a nail salon, where my car was broken into repeatedly and I would have to jog through an alley to get from the parking lot to the front door or else strangers would ask for money and sometimes get aggressive.
I learned to keep a couple of crumpled ones in my pocket at all times so that I wouldn’t have to stop moving to open my backpack.
It was easier and safer to just hand over the cash.
(‘spending too much?’)
That apartment wasn’t a glamorous place to live.
The furniture was from Goodwill. So were most of my clothes.
My boss at one of my many jobs once counseled me on how to buy food for a week and only spend $14.
I remember she suggested iceberg lettuce and a bag of bagels. I don’t remember the whole list.
But in my dream, I wanted to stay in that old apartment. I was sad that the building had been sold. I felt like a baby bird being kicked out of the nest.
And I had just survived a train derailment and a snake bite!
But I was young in this dream - naive - I was sure that something better was coming.
And so I packed up my few belongings and said goodbye to all the tenants.
Except Sharon. I knew we would stay in touch.
I don’t need to Google or to consult a book to interpret this dream.
I know that I’m so tired of change, and yet I know I’m not ready to settle in just yet.
I know change always comes with an element of risk - a potential snake bite.*
I know I’ve tried things this past year that took me off course - derailed me.
I know Sharon symbolizes the people who have shown up and stayed or come back when I needed them.
She may also represent a matrilineal line, and the cyclical nature of things.
I think she could represent security and safety among female friends, following last year’s heartbreak that left me feeling vulnerable and scared to trust ever again.
And that apartment …
Well, home is where you make it, of course.
But it’s also what we work for. Home and family and a place to be.
When we are living Neck-Deep In Transition, life can look like hurting and healing, not always in equal measure.
It’s messy like grief. Sometimes it is just grief.
In my dream, I found out at the last minute that some of the old tenants were staying in the building a while longer. Either things had changed, or I’d misunderstood something …
(i still have trouble trusting myself sometimes - believing myself)
I learned I could stay until September when the new school year started, or even into the new year if I wanted.
But my bags and boxes were already packed.
And then I woke up with the lyrics from this song in my head:
Yesterday when you
were young
Everything you
needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your
own
But you find you’re all
alone
What can you do?
You and me walk on,
walk on, walk on
Cause you can’t go
back now.
You know there will
be days when you’re
so tired that you can’t
take another step
The night will have no
stars and you’ll think
you’ve gone as far as
you will ever get
But you and me walk
on, walk on, walk on
Cause you can’t go back now.
(credit: “Can’t Go Back Now” by The Weepies, Deb Talan, Steve Tannen)
*In the days and weeks to come, I need to remember - the snake was just scared, alone and hungry.
It stopped biting as soon as it knew where its next meal was coming from.
Fear can do terrible things to us.
But we don’t always have to run from it.
Sometimes the answer is just to see it, without surrendering to it.
Sometimes the answer is to pull it in close, and tend to it.
To show it love and kindness
until it knows
that it’s safe for it
to stop using its teeth
to get our attention.
I love this so much. I really enjoyed reading your words while hearing your voice read them to me! It's how I used to listen to cassette tapes when I was a kid! I am also at a scary place where I need to progress forward but am scared and uncertain. Thank you for the reminder that we can't go back.
Kara, this was amazing! I hope this is the first of many audio posts. You are spot on about walking on too. It's all you really can do. Take one little baby step at a time. They all build upon each other and help keep the fear at bay (for the most part). Thanks so much for sharing this ❤