I don’t want to brag, but I finally figured out the perfect morning routine.
I mean, for someone maybe.
Or for me, that ONE day that I wrote it all out and added Meatball Tape.
I was in the ZONE, y’all.
I mean look at it. It’s freaking adorable with all those animals and all the tea!
So then why am I writing to you about this today and telling you that not once since I created my New Morning Routine, have I actually followed all 17 steps in sequential order?
Well, first, out of all your pals from the Internet, I really want you to look to me as the one who has nothing figured out.
Tell your friends. Tell your sister. Call your mom.
Here’s a button:
But also, I wanted you to know that I think this is it.
I think I’ve decided to stop trying.
Like - not at everything. Obviously I am going to try to maintain decent hygiene and occasionally drink things besides tea and Dr Pepper.
I just mean that I have been on a quest for a really long time to crack all this morning routine business, and I think where I have landed is that - at least for me - a snazzy list of amazing things that I do Every Single Morning is just not within my grasp.
I know. I’ve let you down. I’ve let us all down.
But maybe not completely.
Maybe …
Take a journey with me here …
Maybe, I don’t need a morning routine?
I know!
In the Business of Writing on the Internet, that is what we call a think, not a say.
Because a morning routine is what we are supposed to strive for, right?
We’ve all been told INCESSANTLY since the minute that the first person Pinned a Pin on Pinterest; since the moment people figured out you could put words over a photo of a sunrise and throw that shit on Facebook, that we really must get up no later than 2:15 a.m. in order to prepare for a day of success!
Here are the things we have to do:
🌟 Wake Up!
🌟 Smile. A new day has begun. Please list 43 things that you are grateful for!
🌟 Hop out of bed and roll out your yoga mat. Stretch for 90 minutes. (No! You are not allowed to tinkle first! But also, always stay hydrated!)
🌟 So next, drink your hot water with lemon! It will detoxify you.
I know you know this already, but you are just filled with toxins. Especially in the morning.
You are just filthy on the inside, but thank God for lemons!
🌟 Actually - that too. Stop. Thank God. Or based on whatever religion you subscribe to or do not, spend the next hour immersed in a daily spiritual practice that involves 19 Morning Routine sub-steps.
🌟 Great! Now go feed your chickens, milk your cow and then start a loaf of bread. Carefully mix flour and yeast and salt and water, and now leave that blob on your stove to rise.
Don’t forget to set a timer because you’ll need to head back to it in about an hour and punch it, so it can rise again.
Gosh, I’m proud of you!
🌟 You are allowed caffeine at this point, if you really must have it. But you know that caffeine is causing any stress you have, right?
It’s definitely not the pressures of modern day life - it’s beans and/or leaves.
So go ahead and have one cup of liquid enjoyment, but not two, because you must eat so that the caffeine doesn’t make you jittery! Factoring in the homemade bread process, breakfast won’t be ready for another two and a half hours.
(Not that you can eat the bread. All those carbs will slow you down! But! You can watch people eat bread while you eat one cold hard boiled egg and drink celery juice!)
Actually, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
🌟 Boil egg and refrigerate.
🌟 Make celery juice.
🌟 Clean juicer, reserving the pulp for when you want to choke to death on string.
🌟 Now - finally. It’s time for the best part! Take some time to do something just for you. Something that fills you up. Especially if you are a mom.
Pluck that chin hair! Investigate your weird toenail. Call the dentist and listen to the receptionist shame you for not staying on top of your whole family’s dental care.
This is YOUR time.
🌟 And now that you’ve really invested in you, it’s time to make a list for the day.
Don’t forget to be ambitious. You’re high on 90 minutes of exercise, lemon water and 2 Tablespoons of caffeine.
(Plus, your pelvic floor is strong because you still haven’t had time to pee.)
So just go ahead and write down everything you can think of.
Take a stroll around your house. Is it time to finally pull up the flooring in the kitchen? Or would your time be better spent today on child-rearing or your paid job or both?
If you have children - make sure you add to your list for today all their activities and plans and hopes and dreams and fears and new food allergies and the rules you established for screen time one weekend when it snowed and you all got to stay home and you played board games and realized that yes - it’s entirely possible to raise people in this modern world without exposing them to screens ever. You are invincible and don’t need breaks or showers or to zone out yourself while watching Bluey or a wall while darling young people talk towards you.
🌟 Now - circle your top three priorities, but still plan to do everything listed and all the other things that come up in your day, like for instance, you just sat on cat barf.
But it’s OK, because you got up early!
🌟 So take a few deep breaths and ground yourself.
🌟 And don’t look at your phone.
No really. Don’t look at it.
OK. Now you looked at it and you’re wondering how many of those unread 26,311 emails really must be addressed.
But remember - this is YOUR time.
🌟 So hide your phone because it’s time for a shower that includes shaving everything and exfoliating everything. Basically you want to be a baby again!
🌟 Get dressed in something that makes you feel really good, like a ball gown and tiara, or a sharp space-emperor-themed pantsuit that makes you look like Hillary Clinton when she was running for president.
Because none of us recognized the glory of being a Full-Time Sweatpants Hag during the Pandemic!
🌟 Now, just fluff that hair and put in 8-12 extensions.
🌟 Then - do your quick makeup routine.
You only need five products as long as you are 22 years old or a dermatologist.
So start with just a little bit of primer and foundation, then concealer - just around your eyes, nose, mouth, on any spots, on your chin, neck, décolletage and knuckles, then just a bit of blush because, “honey, you look kind of worn out?” and then do your eyebrows because that’s a thing, I guess, and put on mascara, and a bit of eyeshadow just on your lids and under your eyebrows and in the crease and around the holes in your ears to give them “depth,” and then add some eyeliner - start at the inner corner of your eye and just gently draw across the top lid until your elbow hits the nearest wall and just top it all off with a little lip balm for a natural look.
🌟 Punch the bread.
🌟 Light a candle.
🌟 Feed the turtle.
🌟 Sneak a few more ounces of caffeine and question the meaning of life.
🌟 Read something that inspires you. Like Brené Brown, or maybe Proust.
🌟 And then, get outside. It’s important to see the sun. Especially as it rises.
🌟 And finally, before you dive in to what the day brings, I want you to sit down and write that email that you’ve been putting off.
You know the one.
It’s time to finally quit that thing, or tell that friend that you can’t go to her bachelorette party in Paris or send your team’s quarterly report to Corporate or tell the lawyer it’s time to file those divorce papers.
Because I think Mark Twain said it best when he told us to eat a frog in the morning.
One.
One frog.
So Now What?
So the thing is … I feel like that’s a lot?
I don’t know.
What do you guys think? Am I like, CRAZY?
Tell me in the comments, OK?
I Do Have a Plan
Also, I do think I have a sort of an idea for what to do in place of a morning routine.
It’s just incubating.
Stay tuned.
Love you! Bye!
I absolutely love this post. The sarcasm, the wit, the truth that the perfect morning routine is a crock of unpunched bread. I was reminded a while back that, thus far, I haven't had the perfect morning routine, and GUESS WHAT? The world hasn't ended. All the things that have needed to get done have gotten done. Since then, I've allowed my morning "routine" to be whatever the heck it needs to be. :)
Kara, I really enjoyed this piece. 🤣
I am owning that I will never be a morning person who has a formal 17 step morning routine. I am a night owl!!!! Forever and ever!