When Sleep Isn't Helping
Maybe you need a different type of rest
Hello friend,
As I sit here, writing this missive to you, I have earbuds in and noise in my ears.
Not music. Sheesh.
This isn’t a rave.
And certainly not a podcast or audiobook.
I can’t write with outside words coming at me.
In fact, after years of pretending I am not a complete ogre (I definitely am sometimes at least 30 percent ogre), a couple of years ago I invested in a fancy pair of noise cancelling headphones.
(As in - a friend gave me a generous gift card and I instantly knew EXACTLY what I wanted to use it for more than anything!)
Sadly, my fancy headphones made my head sweat terribly, which is its own sensory issue, and so now I have noise cancelling earbuds and a pair of those loopy reusable earplugs (affiliate link) that I stick in my head when my husband starts playing a podcast in another room or the dog is barking.
Sometimes, though - I put the earplugs in just because …
See, wearing them me reminds me of that feeling of floating in a pool with your ears just under water - everything feels muted and soft, and if you close your eyes, you can actually imagine that you are someplace tropical and lovely, not at the closest YMCA location, bathing with strangers.
You Seem ‘Sensitive’
Recently, I wrote a post here about rest.
It turns out that there are seven types of rest, and when I first learned that, I felt a bit like how I have felt a LOT lately - like Adam Sandler in that scene from The Wedding Singer when he shouts:
But it’s OK.
I have recently recognized that I am just a Baby Jell-O Legs Old Lady.
I am still learning all the time.
But one thing that I know with 100 percent certainty is that I am “sensitive.”
And so when I learned that one of the 7 types of rest is Sensory Rest, a tiny, pastel light went off and I heard gentle birdsongs.
Not really, but I did start to think that maybe I should think about how to add in more sensory rest.
ADHD and Sensory Stuff
Because another thing …
Last year, at age 45, I found out that I have ADHD.
This was helpful information for a lot of reasons.
Uh-oh.
But a big thing for me was learning that lots of us with ADHD have sensory issues.
In general, our nervous systems can get easily overloaded.
We might also struggle with bright lights, noises, sensitivity to smells, textures, fabrics, the mad cackle of the woman across the street who mows her lawn daily and sweeps her driveway and I just cannot, you guys …
I also tend to be one of those people who seeks out sensory comforts.
I love my weighted blanket and weighted eye mask. I love essential oils.
And occasionally, I will ask my husband to hug me to the point of feeling like I’m in the trash compactor scene in Star Wars but with less garbage because I possess a certified #supersniffer.
Rest - Are You Getting What You Need?
ADHD and sensory symptoms can also increase during perimenopause, so something I had been noticing for a while is that I would feel tired, and yet sleep didn’t fix my tired.
Neither did a “day off.”
So this idea of there being 6 other types of rest besides physical rest intrigued me.
Maybe feeling cranky, out-of-sorts, “off,” sort of sad or resentful and constantly overwhelmed couldn’t be cured by going to bed early or a nap?
Maybe it wasn't just that things felt like too much, but was also that something really important was missing?
(Was this wholeheartedness popping up again?)
Sensory Rest IRL
And so lately, I’ve been experimenting with sensory rest.
To me, that looks like resting in my bedroom, usually alone, but sometimes with 1-3 cats. (This is only tricky because I NEED my weighted blanket, but they don’t, so it takes some arranging.)
I like low lighting, using my Nodpod sleep mask, (affiliate link) and spraying my pillow with an essential oil mist or diffusing essential oils.
And I like some kind of comforting sound. Depending on the day, that can mean:
Using my Hatch sleep device and putting on the sound of ocean waves
Listening to a meditation or yoga nidra through my Insight Timer app
Listening to ambient noise or brown noise through my Calm app
(I LOVE brown noise. Pink noise is my mortal enemy - I have no idea about the science behind any of this. I just know what my brain likes.)
Listening to George snore.
Does Sensory Rest Actually Help?
And I’m finding that sensory rest - even 20 minutes of stepping away from the activity and stimuli of an average day, helps me A LOT.
I’m really lucky to be able to do this, I know. I work from home, and I no longer have small children who climb on top of the refrigerator if I turn my back for 15 seconds.
I also think this type of rest is really effective for me because I am so sensitive.
I tend to take in EVERYTHING.
I detect smells that no one else in my house notices (or else they are just better at waiting out the smell of cat poo until I walk into the room and start STRAIGHT LOSING MY MIND IMMEDIATELY.)
I used to work in a busy, open newsroom, but now, I am learning that sometimes, I need to bring in calm by cancelling out the noise around me.
Last week, I removed a flickering light bulb in my office that was making me a little batty, threw it in the trash*, and got back to work.
My husband came into my office over the weekend and asked if I wanted him to replace the missing bulb.
I said: “Huh?”
Because the lack of lighting didn’t bother me, but the flickering bulb had made me edgy, and removing it “fixed,” the issue for me.
And don’t get me started about the motherfreakin’ isobars.
That’s a whole thing for another day.
Do You Need Sensory Rest?
And so, I can’t tell you for sure that you do or don’t need more sensory rest in your life.
I think for plenty of people, what I described above - the mask, the noise-cancelling earbuds, the dark, the hippie spray … that might sound like a recipe for how to make you want to run from your home and toward the nearest carnival.
But sensory rest can look a lot of ways.
It may mean heading outside, or sticking your hands in some bread dough, taking a long bubble bath or asking for a hug.
It can also mean long-term strategies like not watching violent movies, limiting time on your phone, taking a news or social media break, saying no to busy, loud or crowded activities for a while, building a cabin in the woods and only visiting town once a year for supplies or time-traveling to the 1700s before everything was SO BRIGHT and LOUD.
(But probably not those last two. You know, realistically.)
How to Know if You Are Being Selfish (and the best advice my old therapist ever gave me)
I think the take-away here is whether or not you think of yourself as sensitive, is it ever really bad to listen to your inner voice, and ask it what you need?
Maybe it will tell you that this sensory stuff isn’t a thing for you, and you really only need a sensory break once a year, after your family reunion.
(Hi Aunt Dee-Dee! YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY IN A PYRAMID SCHEME.)
Or maybe it will tell you psst … it’s OK once in a while to sit in your car in the Target parking lot, zoning out eating crackers and listening to a “moonlight greenhouse” soundscape or whatever on your phone.
I just realized - I’m gonna make you an ambient noise playlist!
Just in case.
OK.
Here it is:
And just know you’re not the only one who needs breaks, and it only helps us and the people around us when we honor our needs.
OH.
This is important. My old therapist told me this:
It’s not selfish to do what you need. Selfishness is putting your wants ahead of other people’s needs.
Putting other people’s wants above your needs is called ‘how you got here, Kara.’
(Or just fill in your name at the end.)
Huge, right? Hit share to tell your cousin or the guy you used to like in middle school!
A Sensory Break (Starring Charlie Day!)
We also have to stop deciding what rest “should” look like.
For example, I refuse to watch movies with dramatic scores, animals in peril, Dads redeeming themselves after being awful, people being strong and brave while dying, or anything starring Robin Williams with the exception of that clip from Mrs. Doubtire where he dances with the vacuum.
If I am down, overwhelmed, overstimulated or in need of serious Me Time, I have learned exactly what I need in terms of entertainment, and that is a marathon of Horrible Bosses and Horrible Bosses 2.
Am I saying that when you are desperate for a break, that YOU need to watch Jason Bateman and Charlie Day sifting cocaine, followed by Charlie Day car-dancing to “That’s Not My Name” and repeatedly stabbing one of the horrible bosses with an Epi-pen?
No.
I mean, there’s always eyemasks and herbal tea.
OK. See you soon!
*When I say that I threw the lightbulb in the trash, I mean that I put it on top of the dryer. This is what I do with things that overwhelm me. I think you are supposed to be careful about disposing of certain kind of lightbulbs?
I don’t know.
And so this is me. On any average day I’m often taking advantage of ADHD hyper focus and know if I stop to look up how to dispose of light bulbs or whatever, I will lose whatever magic has temporarily overtaken me, and so I put whatever the troublesome thing on the dryer and my husband sees it later and takes 3 seconds to Google “what do I do with old Tylenol?” or whatever and then does that.
I like to think he knew who I was when he married me, and I don’t complain about the small, adorable, awful things he does, like refusing to learn how to clean the waffle iron.
And so … it all works out.